so... i know i'm a few days from being 38 weeks... and i have been planning on having this baby late all along; but i have changed my mind. don't get me wrong- my list of projects to do is still long... but i feel like whats left doesn't really have to be done. i just want to meet my baby girl. and i don't want to be pregnant anymore... lets get this show on the road, you know. i looked at my calendar and decided that i could handle another week b/c i have a couple of fun things planned- including a much needed hair appt.--- but after that i'm ready. i'm even considering packing for the hospital! for some reason i have an aversion to packing for these special occasions... my sisters were irritated w/ me b/c i had hardly packed for my honeymoon and so they had to dig through the back of my car to find shoes and other random things that i hadn't quite gotten around to packing ;-) and i had some stuff packed for the hospital w/ elisha- but not everything...i should have finished packing when i could still think, in early labor... but i guess i felt like that would jinx it or something? anyway, this time i want to have things packed well and i want to be clean... having a marathon labor and then surgery and a long hospital stay was not conducive to showering--- and i can tell looking back at those pics ;-) i know it sounds superficial, but i think i would've felt better had i not looked so raunchy!
while we are on the subject of labor- i wrote down some lyrics from my favorite band-over the rhine- i want to think of these while i am laboring " though we love to numb the pain, we come to find that it's in vain. pain is our mother- she makes us recognize each other" i have been rereading "birthing from within" and while some of it can be hokey and the birth art stuff certainly isn't for everyone- it is really great to think of our perception of pain... one suggestion she has is to be very curious about your pain, notice where it stops and stops, how it changes... if you are so bold to do that you can take the fear out of the pain and then it isn't as bad.
one last note-- another quote from "over the rhine" that i will be hanging on to- in labor and the months following ---" ...listen to me baby- we can sleep when we're dead..."
Showing posts with label birth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birth. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
study on labor benefits
this is a bit of a long article, but i think it is worth reading. it is encouraging for those with long labors that end in c-sections... the labor was worth it! it is also good information to have in considering subsequent births-- this is a big factor in my decision to labor again w/ hopes for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean)... even if i wind up w/ another cesarean my baby will have a better start having gone through the labor.
Benefit of labor- even for planned cesararens
Babies born by cesarean section before labor are more likely to have breathing problems and to need special care in the early days of life,compared to babies born after labor. Sometimes the obstetrician thinks the baby is older than he or she actually is, perhaps even ignoring the mother's opinion of when she conceived. Other cases seem to reflect the normal human variation which leads some babies to mature sooner than others, just as they roll over, sit and walk at different times. None of the tests are 100% accurate in dating a pregnancy or in assuring fetal maturity. However, even when the baby is definitely mature, a certain number of born before labor suffer from lung disease, particularly complications from excess fluid in the lungs.
A recent article in Scientific American documents why labor benefits,including their lung functioning. ("The 'Stress' of Being Born," Hugo Lagercrantz and Theodore A. Slotkin, Scientific American, April 1986, pp.100-107). Hormones called catecholamines are released in the baby in response to the stress of experiencing contractions, being pushed through the birth canal, and the intermittent oxygen deprivation which occurs in normal labor. Twenty years of research indicates that these hormones not only protect the baby from a lack of oxygen, but also prepare him or her to adapt to life outside the womb.
Adults also produce catecholamines in response to physical or emotional stress. The heart rate increases, while blood is redirected away from many organs and sent to the heart, brain, arms, and legs, all needed for the so-called "flight or flight" response. This is the reason for a mother's fear and anxiety can lead to prolonged labor and fetal distress. (See C/SEC Newsletter, Vol.12(2), 1986). With the immature nervous system of the fetus, however, catecholamines work somewhat differently. Blood is kept in the brain and heart rather than the limbs, and the heart rate shows rather than rises. This allows the brain to survive without damage at much lower oxygen levels, similar to the way people can survive for hours in very cold temperatures under ice or buried in snow. The discovery of this different response to stress in the fetus means two things: 1) Babies are well protected from reduced oxygen in labor; and 2) When the fetal heart rate slows in labor, rather than meaning the baby is in danger, it may mean the baby is being protected from damage. This process explains why over 50% of babies delivered by emergency cesarean after monitor tracings indicate fetal distress are in fact not short of oxygen at birth. The authors recommend that only when fetal scalp blood sampling shows the baby is truly short of oxygen should he or she be delivered quickly.
Catecholamines appear to help the baby adapt to life outside the womb in several ways. First, a surge of catecholamines in labor facilitates breathing by causing fluid to be absorbed from the lungs and surfactant to be released. (Surfactant allows the lungs to remain open once they are expanded with the first breaths.) Lung compliance, the ability of the lung to stretch and fill with air, is partially dependant on lung liquid absorption. In research at the Karolinska Institute in Sweden, lung compliance was correlated with catecholamine levels at birth. Two hours after birth, vaginally delivered babies had significantly better lung compliance compared to cesarean babies. This helps explain why even mature babies born by elective cesarean are more likely to have breathing problems.
A second benefit of catecholamine surge at birth is to speed up the baby's metabolism, so energy stores in the liver and fat cells are made available until the baby begins to nurse. Cesarean stored fuel, and were more likely to have low blood-sugar levels. The burning of stored fuel also helps the newborn maintain body temperature.
A third effect of catecholamines is to alter blood flow so more blood is sent to the vital organs. Blood flow in vaginally delivered babies was lower in the legs and higher through the lungs during the first two hours of life. This effect is particularly important for babies experiencing breathing difficulties right after birth. In general, the higher the catecholamine surge, the better the baby can withstand oxygen deprivation. Babies who were moderately deprived of oxygen during birth had good Apgar scores if they had high catecholamine levels and lower Apgar scores if they had low catecholamine levels.
Another effect of high catecholamine concentrations is to produce a state of alert arousal. It is possible that the catecholamine surge leads to the extended quite alert state which usually occurs in a healthy baby in the first hour of life, and which may contribute to the beginning of parent-infant bonding right after birth.
The Karolinjska Institute studies also found that babies born by elective cesarean without labor had markedly lower catecholamine levels compared to those born vaginally, while those born by cesarean after labor had begun had only slightly lower levels. The message seems clear: A mother who wants a VBAC is not putting her own experience ahead of her baby's well-being. Babies benefit from a vaginal birth whenever possible. When it is not possible, they benefit from experiencing labor before a cesarean birth. The authors conclude, "Taken together, the weight of the evidence indicates that the elevation of 'stress' hormones in the normally delivered newborn reflects not only a response to acute stress but also an attempt by the body to enhance the chances for survival at birth. Such findings suggest that infants delivered by elective cesarean section before the mother begins labor may be at some disadvantage."How Labor Benefits Babies:Adaptational Effects of a Catecholamine SurgeImproves BreathingIncreases lung surfactantIncreases lung-liquid absorptionImproves lung complianceDilates bronchiolesProtects Heart and BrainIncreases blood flow to vital organsMobilizes FuelBreaks down normal fat into fatty acidsBreaks down glycogen (in liver) to glucoseStimulates new production of glucose by liverActivates heart-producing brown fat in response to coldFacilitates BondingDilates pupilsAppears to increase alertness(From "The 'Stress' of Being Born," by H. Lagercrantz and T.A. Slotkin, Scientific American, Apr.'86, p.106.)
Benefit of labor- even for planned cesararens
Babies born by cesarean section before labor are more likely to have breathing problems and to need special care in the early days of life,compared to babies born after labor. Sometimes the obstetrician thinks the baby is older than he or she actually is, perhaps even ignoring the mother's opinion of when she conceived. Other cases seem to reflect the normal human variation which leads some babies to mature sooner than others, just as they roll over, sit and walk at different times. None of the tests are 100% accurate in dating a pregnancy or in assuring fetal maturity. However, even when the baby is definitely mature, a certain number of born before labor suffer from lung disease, particularly complications from excess fluid in the lungs.
A recent article in Scientific American documents why labor benefits,including their lung functioning. ("The 'Stress' of Being Born," Hugo Lagercrantz and Theodore A. Slotkin, Scientific American, April 1986, pp.100-107). Hormones called catecholamines are released in the baby in response to the stress of experiencing contractions, being pushed through the birth canal, and the intermittent oxygen deprivation which occurs in normal labor. Twenty years of research indicates that these hormones not only protect the baby from a lack of oxygen, but also prepare him or her to adapt to life outside the womb.
Adults also produce catecholamines in response to physical or emotional stress. The heart rate increases, while blood is redirected away from many organs and sent to the heart, brain, arms, and legs, all needed for the so-called "flight or flight" response. This is the reason for a mother's fear and anxiety can lead to prolonged labor and fetal distress. (See C/SEC Newsletter, Vol.12(2), 1986). With the immature nervous system of the fetus, however, catecholamines work somewhat differently. Blood is kept in the brain and heart rather than the limbs, and the heart rate shows rather than rises. This allows the brain to survive without damage at much lower oxygen levels, similar to the way people can survive for hours in very cold temperatures under ice or buried in snow. The discovery of this different response to stress in the fetus means two things: 1) Babies are well protected from reduced oxygen in labor; and 2) When the fetal heart rate slows in labor, rather than meaning the baby is in danger, it may mean the baby is being protected from damage. This process explains why over 50% of babies delivered by emergency cesarean after monitor tracings indicate fetal distress are in fact not short of oxygen at birth. The authors recommend that only when fetal scalp blood sampling shows the baby is truly short of oxygen should he or she be delivered quickly.
Catecholamines appear to help the baby adapt to life outside the womb in several ways. First, a surge of catecholamines in labor facilitates breathing by causing fluid to be absorbed from the lungs and surfactant to be released. (Surfactant allows the lungs to remain open once they are expanded with the first breaths.) Lung compliance, the ability of the lung to stretch and fill with air, is partially dependant on lung liquid absorption. In research at the Karolinska Institute in Sweden, lung compliance was correlated with catecholamine levels at birth. Two hours after birth, vaginally delivered babies had significantly better lung compliance compared to cesarean babies. This helps explain why even mature babies born by elective cesarean are more likely to have breathing problems.
A second benefit of catecholamine surge at birth is to speed up the baby's metabolism, so energy stores in the liver and fat cells are made available until the baby begins to nurse. Cesarean stored fuel, and were more likely to have low blood-sugar levels. The burning of stored fuel also helps the newborn maintain body temperature.
A third effect of catecholamines is to alter blood flow so more blood is sent to the vital organs. Blood flow in vaginally delivered babies was lower in the legs and higher through the lungs during the first two hours of life. This effect is particularly important for babies experiencing breathing difficulties right after birth. In general, the higher the catecholamine surge, the better the baby can withstand oxygen deprivation. Babies who were moderately deprived of oxygen during birth had good Apgar scores if they had high catecholamine levels and lower Apgar scores if they had low catecholamine levels.
Another effect of high catecholamine concentrations is to produce a state of alert arousal. It is possible that the catecholamine surge leads to the extended quite alert state which usually occurs in a healthy baby in the first hour of life, and which may contribute to the beginning of parent-infant bonding right after birth.
The Karolinjska Institute studies also found that babies born by elective cesarean without labor had markedly lower catecholamine levels compared to those born vaginally, while those born by cesarean after labor had begun had only slightly lower levels. The message seems clear: A mother who wants a VBAC is not putting her own experience ahead of her baby's well-being. Babies benefit from a vaginal birth whenever possible. When it is not possible, they benefit from experiencing labor before a cesarean birth. The authors conclude, "Taken together, the weight of the evidence indicates that the elevation of 'stress' hormones in the normally delivered newborn reflects not only a response to acute stress but also an attempt by the body to enhance the chances for survival at birth. Such findings suggest that infants delivered by elective cesarean section before the mother begins labor may be at some disadvantage."How Labor Benefits Babies:Adaptational Effects of a Catecholamine SurgeImproves BreathingIncreases lung surfactantIncreases lung-liquid absorptionImproves lung complianceDilates bronchiolesProtects Heart and BrainIncreases blood flow to vital organsMobilizes FuelBreaks down normal fat into fatty acidsBreaks down glycogen (in liver) to glucoseStimulates new production of glucose by liverActivates heart-producing brown fat in response to coldFacilitates BondingDilates pupilsAppears to increase alertness(From "The 'Stress' of Being Born," by H. Lagercrantz and T.A. Slotkin, Scientific American, Apr.'86, p.106.)
Monday, January 5, 2009
new year (with a birth in it!)
i think this video clip from the little new year's eve party we went to is so funny! kind of shows how things have changed for those of us with young children... babysitter on new year's eve- forget it! enough energy to stay up til midnight- no way! our kids were half out of their minds being up until after 9 and it was very entertaining ;-) elisha had a blast dancing for everyone with his friend claire (who is 2 weeks older than he is). andrew and i were startled from our sleep at midnight as kids in the neighborhood did fireworks and yelled- i think in our sleep we wished each other a happy new year ;-)
i have resolved to take a brisk walk everyday at least throughout this pregnancy in hopes that it will help get this little girl in the optimal position for birth- i've heard it work for others... at the very least it will get me in shape for labor, which as i have gotten well into this second half of pregnancy, has become more of a reality. my doula (sweet pam- who was also my doula the first time) was reminding me of how worry is the work of pregnancy-- you address all your fears and concerns then so during labor and those first weeks w/ a new baby you can just do what you have to do. i have had moments of fear and dread when thinking that this labor could be similar to my last, but thankfully i can feel that i am working through those and getting back to the realization that whatever it winds up being- i'll deal with it then. it will be one(or a few ;-( day(s) out of my life and with every breath a prayer, i will make it to the other side. but, you better believe that i am praying now that this baby will have her head positioned well, that my pelvis will cooperate, and that she won't be tongue-tied--- basically that labor and nursing will be normal at least, if not easy, which would be nice
** if you happen to be pregnant and interested in what positioning has to do w/ labor http://www.spinningbabies.com/ is a fascinating website w/ tons of info. a lot of c-sections are performed b/c a baby has it's head turned the wrong way... it makes the part headed out of the birth canal much bigger, so people think they have CPD (too small of a pelvis to birth) when really if the baby were turned the right way it would've worked out just fine. our lifestyle leads to this-- instead squatting in fields and walking upright most of the day we spend our time in the bucket seats of our cars and in recliners. just thought it might be of some interest to some out there--- if i hadn't learned how elisha being in posterior position made birth difficult/impossible? for us, i would just think i had too small of a pelvis to birth any baby and i would not be attempting a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean).
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
happy birthday dear elisha
exactly one year ago ...
i can't decide how to end this sentence.
definitely- my firstborn son made his entrance into the world( although this idea confuses me a little, because i think he was every bit as much alive and therefore "part of the world" when he was inside of me... andrew and i both think people should count years by conception dates rather than birthdays - its a more accurate measure of age... a baby who is a week past due really is not the same age as a baby born on the same day who is a month early)... at 8:41 pm via cesarean section.
birth should be beautiful. it is the entrance of a new life. it is the culmination of the rite of passage that makes a woman a mother. it is truly truly a beautiful wonderful thing. but in a way, to me it felt a bit like dying.
i immersed myself in information about birth; spent 12 weeks intensively studying how to do it naturally. i am a big baby. i am scared of pain. but i was facing my fear ... ready to just do it. to experience this thing. to be . to birth. (this may sound insane to most of you -- most people think it is a painful thing one should try to get through with the more pain killers the better....but i don't care this is my blog, and i can just put this out there if i want to... and maybe that will help me process everything and move on). i had scripture in my heart 'do not fear for i am with you do not be dismayed for i am your God... i will strengthen you and help you i will uphold you with my righteous right hand..." i was prepared to do this incredibly hard, incredibly scary, incredibly important thing. and it is important. i really do believe that your experience in birth can definitely set the tone for your mothering(we had a rocky start... it is hard enough to go into it at your best...).
i was past my due date. i had various other issues at play with regard to pressure from my dr. i did not want to be induced. i think babies know when it is time to be born. we were doing every trick in the book to try to get this baby to be ready w/ out pitocin(an induction drug)... i had contractions all weekend... didn't get but a few hours of sleep all weekend and then monday(memorial day last year) the real thing started- slow, predictable... 1am until maybe 6am things went along just as they should. i focused and relaxed and just let the contractions come and go. but then they started spacing out and i was asking andrew to put pressure on my lower back. i became more and more uncomfortable... this wasn't just contractions, this was back labor! that is when the hardest part of the baby's head- the back- is hitting the mother's tailbone. babies are supposed to be turned the other way... head looking toward the mother's butt, so to speak.
if you haven't experienced back labor... i can't even ... it just isn't something you can explain, except to say that it is unbearable. i had expected to go through labor 'one contraction at a time'. i was going through it one breathed prayer for mercy at a time.
we went to the hospital around noon. the one dr. in my practice that i really didn't want was the one on call. he had been delivering babies for 50 years. he said that he treated obstetrics like war- he looked for problems and fought them before they happened... this meant that he didn't see birth as a normal, healthy thing-- he saw it more as an illness... not as something a mother does--- something a doctor does. granted there are maybe 10 percent of births that are truly dangerous and a c-section is warranted... but the avg. is upwards of 30 percent and a lot of that is because of people with this mindset.
he took one look at me and said "she's going to need a section." {how do you like the thought of being sectioned? i think it is inhumane terminology} i was not in danger(pain mind you... but not danger) and elisha was not in danger so we kept fighting for more time... those hours are like a black hole to me. when you are laboring naturally you lose all sense of time. you are just doing it. breathing, being, and definitely praying. it really could've been days or minutes for all i knew or cared... i didn't have the leisure to notice. but it was hours. around 5:30? i got an epidural. i knew i had to get my wits about me to deal with this whole c-section thing that the dr. kept pushing. if i had to get a c- section i would have to get an epidural anyway. i was shaking ... epidurals make me shiver uncontrollably. i was still not dilated much. as to be expected, my contractions slowed down once i got the epi, so we had started the whole snowball of interventions. they put me on pitocin to get the contractions going again... they upped it... after countless times of my dr. telling me 'no real progress... we are going to have to section her" i had actually dilated all the way! he was willing to give me a try. i was so weak and exhausted that they told me to try to rest and let the pitocin push the baby down more because when it came to pushing him all the way i would need strength. after crying over what looked like was going be a c-section, i was as giddy as i could be(for as exhausted as i was)... a chance; i was at least going to have a chance to push him out. but after ?? an accurate timetable is really hard for me to figure out?? he came back in. he checked me. elisha still had not turned and since it would've been a tight fit anyway, having opimal position was key. he had not dropped much either. the dr. put his hands on elisha's head and tried to turn him himself, but to no avail.
the doc. dashes all my hopes so quickly. he said" she needs a section... or it will be an ugly forceps delivery, but the baby could get stuck and then have to be pushed back up and cut out anyway... he has been showing some signs of stress with some heart decelerations(which by the way are extremely common when you flood a baby with pitocin... usually just means you need to lay off on the drugs!).... well, let me know ... i think she needs a section... if you want a second opinion that's fine, but i'm doing a section!..... let me know now b/c i have the operating room scheduled for twenty minutes from now and we need to start prep" ...he is throwing all of this at us while we are constantly asking him to give us a minute... we need to talk about this, pray about it, process... but he wouldn't leave until we said a half way 'fine' to buy ourselves a second. andrew and i just looked at each other. we had been fighting this all day. i had been fighting this my whole life. the only thing more terrifying to me than having a giant needle stuck in my spine and left there was being cut open to have a baby pulled out.
it was a whirl wind. i remember staring at the ceiling of the hospital hallway as they wheeled me around. i was all alone, i had been shaven and now was stripped and laying on a cold metal table in a room full of people that i didn't know. men talking about me and scrubbing me, taping me off. i am shaking uncontrollably, partially because of the epidural, and partially because of the cold sterile room. blue blue blue everywhere... surgical blue... where as birth should be red ... and maybe green for life. i don't quite understand how elisha had not dropped low enough and yet he was low enough to require a nurse to push him back up while the c-section was performed.???
andrew was allowed in at the end when elisha was pulled out. we heard him screaming. i craned my head to catch a glimpse of him across the room... no one can ever describe what that moment is like when you first lay eyes on your child. it was a complete letting go of self. you know even more than you did at the beginning of this 'letting go"-- pregnancy and labor journey, that you will do absolutely ANY thing for this person...
there i was laid out on the operating table (andrew had gone with elisha to the nursery to oversee the whole bathing, measuring, etc) i was catching bits of concern in the doctor's voices(turns out oops-they cut through my cervix instead of my uterus-- he later tried to make it seem like it was my fault "for insisting on laboring for so long"... really he was just too old and it was getting late for him--- sorry for the bitterness in my voice)... i could feel my body being moved around... but i was numb, so i couldn't really feel it. i was more exhausted than is possible... it was all i could do to not fall asleep.... which considering the utmost drama of the occasion, is saying a lot!
i felt so keenly that death is how we get life. i don't at all want to be taken as blasphemous, but i felt a bit like Christ crucified there on the feared table, stripped of everything. all of that for a life. and it was worth it.
-there are so many other details, and so many other ways to tell that story. this is the first time i have written it all out. there are sweet things, like how elisha stopped crying the instant andrew started talking to him b/c he recognized his voice.... countless other precious things about my darling son. but, just as this is his first birthday... it is the anniversary of my first giving birth day as well and i guess i just needed to get this out. i made elisha a book with photos of the day to read to him every year and i struggled so much with how to present this birth- which was not what i want him to think of first when he thinks of how babies are born.
- disclaimer- i know there maybe a few people who might read this and be scared out of getting pregnant... or may be pregnant and now be terrified that this will be your story.... (or God forbid- you have dealt with things much worse than this -- i know that this is not in the same universe as losing a child) we each have our own story that God is writing with our lives. he will bring you through your trails; he has brought me through mine... i feel like i died and came back again.... but i am back again and hoping that he uses this story he wrote in my life for a great purpose.
i'm having a lot of misgivings about publishing this post... i would say it definitely classifies as intimate. but i guess i see it as a story God wrote and what good can it do if people can't read it. we are called to be vulnerable. to be a picture of sacrificial love. sacrificing self.... i am not who i want you to think i am ... i am who he has written me to be, and i may as well have out with it.
-that being said, i feel like this a pretty personal conversation and i think it would be nice to know with whom i am having this conversation...
pictures of the birthday boy, video of cake eating... and another ultra long post with all my recommended sources i found helpful for this first year on the job... all comng soon. i promise!
i can't decide how to end this sentence.
definitely- my firstborn son made his entrance into the world( although this idea confuses me a little, because i think he was every bit as much alive and therefore "part of the world" when he was inside of me... andrew and i both think people should count years by conception dates rather than birthdays - its a more accurate measure of age... a baby who is a week past due really is not the same age as a baby born on the same day who is a month early)... at 8:41 pm via cesarean section.
birth should be beautiful. it is the entrance of a new life. it is the culmination of the rite of passage that makes a woman a mother. it is truly truly a beautiful wonderful thing. but in a way, to me it felt a bit like dying.
i immersed myself in information about birth; spent 12 weeks intensively studying how to do it naturally. i am a big baby. i am scared of pain. but i was facing my fear ... ready to just do it. to experience this thing. to be . to birth. (this may sound insane to most of you -- most people think it is a painful thing one should try to get through with the more pain killers the better....but i don't care this is my blog, and i can just put this out there if i want to... and maybe that will help me process everything and move on). i had scripture in my heart 'do not fear for i am with you do not be dismayed for i am your God... i will strengthen you and help you i will uphold you with my righteous right hand..." i was prepared to do this incredibly hard, incredibly scary, incredibly important thing. and it is important. i really do believe that your experience in birth can definitely set the tone for your mothering(we had a rocky start... it is hard enough to go into it at your best...).
i was past my due date. i had various other issues at play with regard to pressure from my dr. i did not want to be induced. i think babies know when it is time to be born. we were doing every trick in the book to try to get this baby to be ready w/ out pitocin(an induction drug)... i had contractions all weekend... didn't get but a few hours of sleep all weekend and then monday(memorial day last year) the real thing started- slow, predictable... 1am until maybe 6am things went along just as they should. i focused and relaxed and just let the contractions come and go. but then they started spacing out and i was asking andrew to put pressure on my lower back. i became more and more uncomfortable... this wasn't just contractions, this was back labor! that is when the hardest part of the baby's head- the back- is hitting the mother's tailbone. babies are supposed to be turned the other way... head looking toward the mother's butt, so to speak.
if you haven't experienced back labor... i can't even ... it just isn't something you can explain, except to say that it is unbearable. i had expected to go through labor 'one contraction at a time'. i was going through it one breathed prayer for mercy at a time.
we went to the hospital around noon. the one dr. in my practice that i really didn't want was the one on call. he had been delivering babies for 50 years. he said that he treated obstetrics like war- he looked for problems and fought them before they happened... this meant that he didn't see birth as a normal, healthy thing-- he saw it more as an illness... not as something a mother does--- something a doctor does. granted there are maybe 10 percent of births that are truly dangerous and a c-section is warranted... but the avg. is upwards of 30 percent and a lot of that is because of people with this mindset.
he took one look at me and said "she's going to need a section." {how do you like the thought of being sectioned? i think it is inhumane terminology} i was not in danger(pain mind you... but not danger) and elisha was not in danger so we kept fighting for more time... those hours are like a black hole to me. when you are laboring naturally you lose all sense of time. you are just doing it. breathing, being, and definitely praying. it really could've been days or minutes for all i knew or cared... i didn't have the leisure to notice. but it was hours. around 5:30? i got an epidural. i knew i had to get my wits about me to deal with this whole c-section thing that the dr. kept pushing. if i had to get a c- section i would have to get an epidural anyway. i was shaking ... epidurals make me shiver uncontrollably. i was still not dilated much. as to be expected, my contractions slowed down once i got the epi, so we had started the whole snowball of interventions. they put me on pitocin to get the contractions going again... they upped it... after countless times of my dr. telling me 'no real progress... we are going to have to section her" i had actually dilated all the way! he was willing to give me a try. i was so weak and exhausted that they told me to try to rest and let the pitocin push the baby down more because when it came to pushing him all the way i would need strength. after crying over what looked like was going be a c-section, i was as giddy as i could be(for as exhausted as i was)... a chance; i was at least going to have a chance to push him out. but after ?? an accurate timetable is really hard for me to figure out?? he came back in. he checked me. elisha still had not turned and since it would've been a tight fit anyway, having opimal position was key. he had not dropped much either. the dr. put his hands on elisha's head and tried to turn him himself, but to no avail.
the doc. dashes all my hopes so quickly. he said" she needs a section... or it will be an ugly forceps delivery, but the baby could get stuck and then have to be pushed back up and cut out anyway... he has been showing some signs of stress with some heart decelerations(which by the way are extremely common when you flood a baby with pitocin... usually just means you need to lay off on the drugs!).... well, let me know ... i think she needs a section... if you want a second opinion that's fine, but i'm doing a section!..... let me know now b/c i have the operating room scheduled for twenty minutes from now and we need to start prep" ...he is throwing all of this at us while we are constantly asking him to give us a minute... we need to talk about this, pray about it, process... but he wouldn't leave until we said a half way 'fine' to buy ourselves a second. andrew and i just looked at each other. we had been fighting this all day. i had been fighting this my whole life. the only thing more terrifying to me than having a giant needle stuck in my spine and left there was being cut open to have a baby pulled out.
it was a whirl wind. i remember staring at the ceiling of the hospital hallway as they wheeled me around. i was all alone, i had been shaven and now was stripped and laying on a cold metal table in a room full of people that i didn't know. men talking about me and scrubbing me, taping me off. i am shaking uncontrollably, partially because of the epidural, and partially because of the cold sterile room. blue blue blue everywhere... surgical blue... where as birth should be red ... and maybe green for life. i don't quite understand how elisha had not dropped low enough and yet he was low enough to require a nurse to push him back up while the c-section was performed.???
andrew was allowed in at the end when elisha was pulled out. we heard him screaming. i craned my head to catch a glimpse of him across the room... no one can ever describe what that moment is like when you first lay eyes on your child. it was a complete letting go of self. you know even more than you did at the beginning of this 'letting go"-- pregnancy and labor journey, that you will do absolutely ANY thing for this person...
there i was laid out on the operating table (andrew had gone with elisha to the nursery to oversee the whole bathing, measuring, etc) i was catching bits of concern in the doctor's voices(turns out oops-they cut through my cervix instead of my uterus-- he later tried to make it seem like it was my fault "for insisting on laboring for so long"... really he was just too old and it was getting late for him--- sorry for the bitterness in my voice)... i could feel my body being moved around... but i was numb, so i couldn't really feel it. i was more exhausted than is possible... it was all i could do to not fall asleep.... which considering the utmost drama of the occasion, is saying a lot!
i felt so keenly that death is how we get life. i don't at all want to be taken as blasphemous, but i felt a bit like Christ crucified there on the feared table, stripped of everything. all of that for a life. and it was worth it.
-there are so many other details, and so many other ways to tell that story. this is the first time i have written it all out. there are sweet things, like how elisha stopped crying the instant andrew started talking to him b/c he recognized his voice.... countless other precious things about my darling son. but, just as this is his first birthday... it is the anniversary of my first giving birth day as well and i guess i just needed to get this out. i made elisha a book with photos of the day to read to him every year and i struggled so much with how to present this birth- which was not what i want him to think of first when he thinks of how babies are born.
- disclaimer- i know there maybe a few people who might read this and be scared out of getting pregnant... or may be pregnant and now be terrified that this will be your story.... (or God forbid- you have dealt with things much worse than this -- i know that this is not in the same universe as losing a child) we each have our own story that God is writing with our lives. he will bring you through your trails; he has brought me through mine... i feel like i died and came back again.... but i am back again and hoping that he uses this story he wrote in my life for a great purpose.
i'm having a lot of misgivings about publishing this post... i would say it definitely classifies as intimate. but i guess i see it as a story God wrote and what good can it do if people can't read it. we are called to be vulnerable. to be a picture of sacrificial love. sacrificing self.... i am not who i want you to think i am ... i am who he has written me to be, and i may as well have out with it.
-that being said, i feel like this a pretty personal conversation and i think it would be nice to know with whom i am having this conversation...
pictures of the birthday boy, video of cake eating... and another ultra long post with all my recommended sources i found helpful for this first year on the job... all comng soon. i promise!
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